Lonely Fellowship
Wednesday of Holy Week
Matthew 26:14-25
https://bible.usccb.org/bible/readings/040126.cfm
Some days are harder than others. On the surface things may look special and significant, but internally there is loneliness and struggle. We made the last supper into a tradition, into a moment of deeper remembrance of Jesus. The sacrament that Jesus instills is healing in the Christian faith traditions. In Catholicism, it’s the body and blood of Jesus and our participation in it is the communion of saints. It connects us back to Jesus, the disciples, and all who have participated in Eucharist throughout history, into the future, today, and outside of time. It unifies us.
How must it have been for Jesus? It was the last supper. It was a seder meal; one of unification, belonging, and redemption. Jesus was there among the disciples, knowing what was about to happen and the role that each of them was going to play in it. One last meal with friends; one who would betray him and another who would deny. Most of them wouldn’t be present for him through it, but even those who were, I’m sure his scourge and crucifix were isolated, lonely experiences. This last supper as well would have been a very lonely experience even amongst friends.
While it wasn’t his house, he was the host. He was there at the meal not fully for himself, but for his friends. Ultimately, I imagine he was feeling pretty alone. Even in the presence of others, he was alone. He took the time to create something tied to his tradition, something that was new, and something that would also be unifying. In the Catholic tradition, it is celebrated daily throughout the world. We connect the meal back to what it means for us, but I can imagine for Jesus, the man, did not have all of that. To know one’s distance. To not have anyone to confide in. To not be understood. To be left outside and put apart in the company of others. To be alone amongst friends. To not have anyone who could truly empathize, knowing what you have to do and wishing someone was there with you in it, but knowing that they aren’t and can’t fully be. They will be eventually, but they aren’t right now, as is the case for all of us.
I imagine that when we separate ourselves from God, that is what it is like for God. Always present, but absent. Separation from God is hell, a hell of our choosing. Jesus went through it too, both from God and from us. Jesus felt the absence, the loneliness, the isolation, and he held it and let it linger. He experienced it and he let it be. He still did what he needed to do and was there for those he loved. He was there for all of us. He was there for Judas as he was there for Peter and the other disciples. He gave of himself at the meal and made himself present even when it was challenging for him to do so. Jesus made the space for those he loved.
Find some time today and meditate on the loneliness of Jesus in his final week. Sit in that lonely fellowship in the presence of your God who got to know it and still knows it as well.
